7th May 12
I just wanted to spread the word about how a record label you might know of essentially stole money from me. The record label is Domino, home to many prolific bands such as Animal Collective, Artic Monkeys, and Real Estate. Despite the amazing lineup of artists, this label is managed by a bunch of criminals.
On March 20th, I purchased the album “Days” by Real Estate (which, by the way, is an amazing album that I encourage everyone to buy at their local record store) through the Domino Records online mart. I was charged immediately for my purchase. Two weeks went by and I still had received no confirmation email. Confused, I contacted them via email. No response. A week later, I emailed them again. No response. Getting pretty frustrated, I emailed them a third time, saying that they could cancel my order. Still, no response. I even tried making contact through Twitter but to no avail.
It is now May 7th, creeping up on two months since my order was placed and I still have nothing to show for it. At this point, I’m pretty confident that the album will not arrive in the mail so all I really can do is mess with the little status banner on the top of their web page and try to get someone’s attention.
It’s especially sad considering all of the more interesting ways I could have been robbed…
(This was an actual picture taken at Domino Records.)
28th April 12
Visiting the house from The Wonder Years
6th April 12
I have decided that it would be a fun and interesting experiment to try writing a novella. In the last few years, I’ve read a lot of novels and it got me thinking, hey, I should try that. I also attended a few writing classes in college that got me thinking, yeah, yeah let’s try that… So here it goes; I’m trying that. Oh, and this is just a picture of a cool car that parked near me when I was reading a book in Old Towne Orange.
27th March 12
This just about sums it up…
7th March 12
Ever since moving to California, I’ve lived a somewhat solitary life. Most of my west coast friends live in L.A. and while I am close to the city, there are many days where I find that it’s much easier to flip on the T.V. and see what’s on (not much worth watching, by the way). It took a few months, but I was naturally drawn to a few shows and for vastly different reasons, as you’ll see below…
The Forgotten Classic - The Wonder Years
I was too young to watch this show when it first aired because it premiered the year I was born, but I did catch it the second time around when it found its way into the syndicated lineup of Nick at Nite in the late 90’s. Being the same age as Kevin, Paul and Winnie, I found it pretty relatable at the time. It eventually disappeared from the lineup and I hardly noticed. Fast forward to late 2011, The Wonder Years makes its return via Netflix. Apparently, this show will never be released on DVD/Blu Ray because every episode featured at least three Motown hits and in order to pay these bands their royalties, the production company would have to own a Swiss bank full of Nazi gold. For this reason, some soundtrack changes were made. For instance, the classic theme song, a Beatles cover sung by Joe Cocker has been taken out and replaced with a weak version from some godawful muzak band. Despite these minor setbacks, the show is much better than I remembered. Now that I’m older, I can appreciate the subtle nuances I once was unable to pick up on, due to lack of life experience. My age also allows me to appreciate the writing on a much deeper level. The stories are funny, poignant, and most importantly, timeless. For a show set in the 60’s, it’s amazing how much of it translates today. It’s also amazing how many familiar faces pop up throughout the series (David Schwimmer? Giovanni Ribisi? Alicia Silverstone?). It might even make you nostalgic for the simple times of a decade you never experienced. Out of all of the shows mentioned in this post, I highly recommend you revisit this one.
The Show I Misjudged - Roseanne
This show started airing the very same year as The Wonder Years and when I was very young, it used to play in my house; the cheesy harmonica and spinning dinner table family introduction are eerily nostalgic to me. Yet, I always assumed the show sucked. Roseanne, after all, has a shrill, obnoxious voice that makes me cringe out of instinct. Add that to the premise: a blue collar family “just trying to get by” and you have yourself an unbearably depressing show. I hate the glorification of white trash (Blue Collar Comedy Show, etc.) and every pickup truck with a Git-R-Done sticker deserves to go up in flames, as far as I’m concerned. I wrongly attributed these attributes to Roseanne. Roseanne is actually extremely progressive and against the right-wing ignorance that keeps Fox News and Co. in business, and more importantly, cleverer than it has any right to be. For a show that deals with desperate people between a rock and a hard place, it remains amiable and upbeat (even if it has no right to be). Roseanne’s voice is almost as annoying as Fran Drescher’s, but Roseanne is actually pretty funny so it makes the whole experience more tolerable. The show is, however, more sarcastic than a hundred David Spades so if you aren’t a fan of cynical humor, look elsewhere.
The Guilty Pleasure - Restaurant: Impossible
Food Network as a whole is practically guilty pleasure programming. Unless you’re a chef, there’s very little to be learned and you see Guy Fieri way more than anyone should have to see him in real life. Restaurant: Impossible, with its impossibly lame title, is pure fun. The premise: a buff british cook visits failing restaurants and makes gagging sounds as he samples their horrendous menus, then goes into a long-winded rant on why the restaurant sucks, criticizing the manager to his/her face. Shortly after, the soft acoustic guitars are cued up and the cook softly explains that he’s only doing this to help. After that, the restaurant transforms in every way – the building gets a makeover (and in every episode, they almost don’t finish renovations in time!), the menu is altered, the management style is tweaked – and it all comes together in the end in a predictable emotional payoff, laden with hugs and tears. Chef Robert gives these guys the tools they need to keep their awful restaurants afloat; those who take his advice succeed, those who don’t fail miserably. Whatever the fate, we discover the outcome in the end.
The Show That Sucks But I Continue to Watch - Storage Wars
This show is mostly terrible, exploiting some of the biggest idiots out there as they go about their daily routines, picking over the forgotten scraps of abandoned storage lockers. The only character with any intelligence whatsoever is Barry, a retired guy who is already very rich (this show is clearly just a fun hobby of his), which makes him come off less desperate. The rest of the crew? Well, fighting over lockers is how they put food on the table. It almost seems wrong, watching them dig through black garbage bags full of dirty underwear, hoping to find that coveted rare coin collection that makes it so they never have to be on a shitty reality show ever again. Unfortunately, early retirement is a pipe dream for these guys and until then, we’ll have to watch as bedbug-ridden mattresses continue to tumble down on them as they crawl on their hands and knees, closely inspecting worthless garbage. The only thing more pathetic than this show is the recent spinoff, “Storage Wars: Texas” where the only difference is that everyone is much, much fatter.
Honorable Mentions:
- The Best Show With a Theme Song by Ween: Grounded for Life
- The Funniest Racial Commentary: Everybody Hates Chris
- The Show With The Most Fat Guys: Pawn Stars
- The Pretentious Asshole Extravaganza: Chopped
- The Most Self-Congratulating Show on Television: Rock Center with Brain Williams
6th February 12
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
28th January 12
Patrick McCormack and I are pleased to announce the release of our new digital 7”! Check it out; it’s free!
28th January 12
I saw a few other movies I forgot to mention in my last post. Some of them I saw in 2011 and forgot about (because they didn’t leave a huge impression on me) and some I saw in 2012. I’ll leave it up to you to guess which ones fall under the right categories. Here they are…
Beginners
Stylistically, this was a pretty interesting film. It would jump from slides with photographs shown to a dog barking with subtitles… sooo iNdiE! It also featured an old man who decided to come out of the closet at an extremely wrinkly age (to really mix things up!). You can expect to see plenty of hot, sexy makeout scenes between the old man and his young male suitor. Let’s review: Ewan McGregor playing shy-guy, Christopher Plummer playing spicy gay wizard, and that girl from Inglourious Basterds playing the traditional role of the beautiful but quirky indie dreamgirl. Even though Christopher Plummer knocks this one out of the park, the old people in the academy didn’t gel with Beginners because they don’t understand the sort of sulky, 21st century ennui experienced by jaded 20 to 30-somethings. Either that, or they hate gay people. (B-)
The Muppets
Jason Segal didn’t get full frontal in this one, so things were good in that department. He was also more animated and zany than all of the muppets put together, which was impressive. It was pretty enjoyable for what it was but I wasn’t floored by its magnificence (like the reviews would have you believe). I guess cynical people like me were the exact audience this movie was trying to take down, and I respect it for trying but I’m sorry, muppets… You lose! The world is a sad, dark place and you’re nothing but a bunch of weird puppets on sticks! And Kermit, there’s probably a hairy middle aged man controlling your mouth with his fat fist! Oh, and it should also be mentioned: props to Chris Cooper for his deranged Grandpa-trying-to-rap scene. That was… interesting. (B)
Moneyball
Jonah Hill must have such mixed feelings about seeing new films that still feature his former fat-self. He has since slimmed down and become a human ventriloquist dummy, but that won’t stop the films from being released. One such film is Moneyball, Jonah’s foray into the world of movies that don’t revolve around bong rips and beer trips. Brad Pitt sports an unseemly mullet throughout the film which really adds some flavor to his character, especially when he’s throwing chairs and flipping over tables, as only someone with a mullet would do. So is this film a “home run”? I’m not so sure, but it’s definitely worth sitting in the stands at least once (and it’s a lot better than watching something like Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, which I’d imagine is akin to being hit in the balls with a Louisville Slugger). (B+)
The Artist
Otherwise known as The Best Picture Winner, the goal of this film is to prove that modern audiences don’t know how to shut the fuck up in a movie theater. Regardless of the venue, you will inevitably be sitting near a group of snickering kids or an old, deaf man making loud comments to his hag wife. Meanwhile, you will watch a mustachioed leading man shoot a dog with his index finger, making you wish you had a real gun so you could shoot the dogs sitting behind you (and by dogs, I mean really loud, ugly girls). You would use your finger to shoot them if you could but this is reality, not Chronicle (thank God). What can I say about the movie itself? It’s really good. Duh. (A)
The Help
Yet again, the cure for white man’s guilt comes to us in the form of a huge, overhyped movie. Thank god there are so many educated white people out there to reach out their kind hands and pull the downtrodden black people out of their endless abyss of oppression! Watching this movie, I learned quite a few things. Like, for instance, how racist white people hate it when black people use their toilets (but black people apparently enjoy using pie crusts as toilets and serving said pies to the racist white people afterward). I also learned that Southerners are idiots. Actually, I already knew that Southerners are idiots; this movie just reenforced that belief. There was also a point in the movie where I thought to myself, “I hate cops.” I can’t remember why, specifically, but it will happen if you watch this movie. So basically, if you’re looking for 2011’s answer to The Blind Side, check out The Help. It’s the film equivalent of a warm, flaky slice of shit pie. (F+)
9th January 12
I’ve seen a lot of movies over the past year. Some of the “best of 2011” I still need to see, such as The Artist. Unfortunately for me, most of the theaters nearby would rather play Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked on ten screens instead of throwing a bone to those who support independent film. God damn Orange County and its extremely limited releases! A few of the movies I wrote about were easier to find than others, but make no mistake about it, I got lucky. Also, it should be noted that I chose not to write about bigger films, Cowboys and Aliens (for obvious reasons) and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (because enough has already been said about that one). Anyway, these were a few films that stood out to me…
Young Adult
If you type Young Adult into Twitter and search for related tweets, you’ll likely find nothing more than a constant stream of hatred. Most people who decided to slam this movie via twitter are a part of the same demographic: pissed off teenagers that thought they were about to see Juno 2.0, with all of the knee jerk hipsterisms and offbeat references one could jam into a 90-minute feature. Thankfully, Juno it was not. This time around, we weren’t subjected to Diablo Cody’s guided tour of Urban Outfitters nor were we forced to watch Michael Cera smuggle grapes in yellow short-shorts. The writing was perfectly understated to make room for the insane character of Mavis, portrayed by the insanely talented Charlize Theron. Patton Oswalt also proved that he deserves better roles than Fat Guy Who Hangs Out With Kevin James on The King of Queens. There’s definitely a huge audience for this film, but it was advertised to the wrong one. It’s a shame that most of the people buying tickets would be happier at home watching Teen Mom 2. (A)
The Descendants
Only George Clooney has a face that can allow for so many close-ups. The face of your average man could not be made ten feet tall on a movie screen (without occasional horrified gasps from the audience), so right off the bat, Clooney had that going for him. Also, Alexander Payne wrote and directed this movie, so the movie had that going for it. Without spoiling anything, almost everyone in the theater was teary-eyed in the end, so Sadness had that going for it. How could this movie do any wrong? Well, the answer is: it couldn’t AND didn’t. (A-)
Drive
Again, some people were pissed off that this movie wasn’t what they expected it to be: apparently, an offshoot franchise based on The Fast and the Furious. Sadly, the dumb art film world let down the extremely cultured and worldly mainstream movie-goer once again. Drive was anything but Vin Diesel flexing his pecs for two hours while guys in the audience wearing wife-beaters nodded their heads approvingly; It was Ryan Gosling threatening strippers with a hammer, murdering goons, and redeeming himself for being in The Notebook, one ass-kicking at a time. SPOILER ALERT: As an added bonus, Albert Brooks stabs a guy in the eye with a fork. Maybe now is the time to make the sequel to Defending Your Life? (B+)
50/50
America’s favorite indie cute boy faces off against the big C, and there can only be one winner. With the help of Dick-Joke Rogen and some hilarious old people at the hospital, he… dies. Yup, sorry guys, but he dies in the end. However, that’s when the movie gets hilarious! At the wake, Seth Rogen farts and everyone glares at him disapprovingly but then he gets high with everyone afterward so ultimately, all is forgiven. (B+)
Midnight in Paris
If there’s something Woody Allen loves making movies about lately, it’s rich people. Specifically, rich people living in Europe. (For examples: Match Point, Vicki Cristina Barcelona, Scoop, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, etc.) It could be that he’s just writing about what he knows, so I won’t fault him for it because in the case of Midnight in Paris, it works like a charm. Watching Owen Wilson channel Woody Allen is strangely ingenious and the whole premise of this film brought out my inner book nerd (something best kept hidden). This film was a return to form for Allen, doing what he does best: pithy rom-coms. (Once upon a time, romantic comedies could be taken seriously, back before Cameron Diaz and Vince Vaughn beat the genre to death with giant dildos and proceeded to set it on fire.) Midnight in Paris was refreshing in its originality and in the fact that it brought us all one step closer to forgetting about Paris Hilton’s sex tape of the same name. (A)
The Tree of Life
This film is likely the most contentious (and pretentious) release of the year, with large numbers of people walking out halfway through. Perhaps this is due to the lengthy montage of Planet Earth footage found in the first half hour, or possibly the CGI dinosaurs showing sympathy toward one another (which might be the worst idea ever put in a movie). Once the focus was placed on the family, the film became engaging, but many people in my theater were already alienated at this point (and yelling at the screen like a bunch of neanderthals). Predictably, this film is being praised by nearly every critic out there for its depth and beauty, many choosing to point out how “challenging” it is at times and how this aspect of the film is what pushed away so many of its naysayers. I’m sorry, but if you were “challenged” by The Tree of Life, you’re an idiot. There was not a single question posed (or more accurately, whispered to God himself) that wasn’t straight out of a Freshman Philosophy course at your local community college. Packed tightly with ham-fisted metaphors and allusions, this film was anything but difficult to comprehend. At the same time, it offered a lot more than 99% of the garbage that is made every year and gobbled up by the hoi polloi. So basically, I take issue with people who stand on both sides of the fence: the haters and the overly defensive. At the end of the day, The Tree of Life is a lot like a magazine; it has pretty pictures and it’s fun to look at for a while but inevitably, it ends up in a basket next to the toilet. Defenders: This movie is not as deep as you think it is. Haters: I’m sorry that this movie didn’t feature Eddie Murphy in a fat suit. (C+)
13th December 11
Ever since moving to Anaheim and getting an annual pass at Disneyland, I have quickly learned which attractions are a complete waste of time. Ignore my advice and suffer the consequences. Also, keep an eye out for the endnotes.
It’s a Small World
This ride should be renamed It’s a Mall World, because the moment your oversized bath toy boat enters the building, you’ll feel as though you’re a part of a large, outdated window display at Macy’s*. Multicultural midget robots that once represented unity now represent obnoxiousness, as the repetitive verse slowly drills its way into the cortex of your brain, but you can’t leave. You’re being held hostage at sea and the only way to escape is to go overboard (Good luck swimming through a river of dirt)! For such a small world, it’s a pretty long ride and it really makes one wonder if the soundtrack was used as a torture mechanism to obtain information from terrorist suspects in 2001… I know by the end of it I was ready to tell the FBI anything they wanted to hear. Alas, the ride stands today purely due to its historical value and is celebrated ironically through its thirty dollar gift store tees.
The Tiki Room
It’s Hawaii themed, which is the first clue that it was designed to fail miserably. The show in a nutshell: You are escorted into a room where you are then forced to listen to the plastic birds make noises for twenty minutes straight. I remember this vividly, even though I haven’t subjected myself to this attraction since the age of five. Never again, Tiki Room!
Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln
Unfortunately, the assassination was not included. While not widely considered a “great” moment, it would have at least woken up the three senior citizens who chose the empty auditorium as a spot to nap.
Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters
This ride had potential but it misses the mark for a few reasons. First off, the gun is always greasy. Being mildly OCD, I would rather not handle something that has been groped by a smelly kid with snot hands, or a fat guy with french fry fingers. And let me tell you, there’s no shortage of fat guys at Disneyland. This leads me to my second issue: too many fat guys. If people were skinnier, the line would move faster because you could fit more than one person in a ride car. But no, the average family of three requires at least three cars (and nine corn dogs). As with many continuous loader rides, this one pauses frequently mid-ride which tends to work against the “magic” of the ride; not that I don’t love listening to a loop of Tim Allen saying “to infinity and beyond” ten-thousand times in a row.**
Mark Twain Riverboat
The only credit I can give this ride is that it’s astounding they were able to fit such a large riverboat in such a tiny reservoir. That aside, Mark Twain’s riverboat ride is the equivalent of riding a ferry across a lake except with none of the benefits (snack bar? Scenery?*** Purpose?). I read somewhere that if you’re in the Disneyland VIP club, one of your exclusive perks is to accompany the “captain” on the steering deck… Though I honestly don’t see how that would be any different from watching a public worker drive a train because like trains, this riverboat is on a track. Mark Twain himself would likely be offended that the slowest ride in the park bears his name. He might also be offended that other than being named after him, this ride has absolutely nothing to do with Mark Twain and everything to do with wondering why you paid the $100 park fee only to end up boarding this boat.
Captain EO
The famous/infamous Michael Jackson was featured in this 3D movie ride in the late 80s. Then, to cash in on his death, Disney brought it back. It didn’t hold up well over time. The 3D is nauseating, making one realize just how far technology has advanced over the last two decades. Then, to make matters worse, the seats shake up and down like a motel bed with magic fingers whenever MJ starts dancing onscreen. It is then that you are reacquainted with another visitor from yesteryear, the bowl of Mac and cheese you ate earlier that is about to explode out of you as if you were the demon possessed girl from The Exorcist. Aside from the vomitus rider experience, the film dialogue is expectedly atrocious, featuring MJ acting playful with a strange, ugly little alien creature. The film ends with an extended dance sequence, like most things involving MJ, and when it’s over you’ll be glad to dance out the door and rejoin everyone in 2011.
(Disneyland causes cancer.)
* It doesn’t help that the ceiling tiles are visible for the majority of the ride and they look just like the ones in any office building in America. Asbestos and all.
** He should be saying, “to obesity and beyond.”
*** No, plastic Indians that don’t move and look like racist lawn ornaments don’t count as scenery.
