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The Five Most Disturbing Movies I’ve Ever Seen!

I’ve seen a good amount of garbage-y movies at this point and I thought it might be fun to run through the nastiest ones I can remember seeing and tell you what I can remember about them. This isn’t really a list of recommendations so much as a reminder to myself not to revisit these beauties any time soon.

Salo, Or 120 Days of Sodom

If the title alone doesn’t sell you on it, please read on…

Synopsis: Four pedophiles kidnap around twenty kids and subject them to months of torture, leading to their deaths. (I could have given you a spoiler alert, but then again this movie was based on a story written in 1785 by the King of Perversion, Marquis de Sade, so you’ve had quite a bit of time to read up on it. Do you live under a rock or something?)

Why Is It Loved?: Pasolini is worshipped in a lot of film circles for how his work was groundbreaking, but if all you needed to do to become an art house legend in the 1970’s was film some naked people eating human feces, wouldn’t that make a legend out of anyone who has ever directed a McDonald’s commercial? Pasolini also liked filming naked dudes and their pasty butt cheeks, which is different from every other Italian director how? Luckily, Criterion picked it up and gave it a slick remastering, so now everything that happens in the movie is even harder to stomach. So it’s clearly loved by audiences, even if it’s not my cup of poo.

The Girl Next Door

If you want to feel like a scumbag, watch this movie.  No, it’s not the The Girl Next Door with the wacky teen comedy story about the desperate virgin who takes the porn star to prom.  Yes, it’s “based on a true story” but then again, someone could make a movie about me getting into a fistfight with Jared from Subway and say it was based on a true story because it was based on me eating their Spicy Italian sandwich. Any creative liberties that were taken with this story only make it more exploitative. Hell, turning what ACTUALLY happened in this true crime case into a movie is already morally dubious enough.

Synopsis: Girl is strung up in a basement and tortured to death by her sadistic aunt and a group of kids from the neighborhood in the otherwise pleasant 1950’s.

What’s The Appeal?: It definitely has a car wreck type of thing going on. It’s also the ultimate things-weren’t-what-they-seemed-in-the-1950’s reality slap. You thought women being mistreated on Mad Men was insane? Make no mistake, this movie was a Revolutionary Roadhouse kick in the balls (literary reference and balls in the same sentence, thank you).

Antichrist

Lars Von Trier is a pretty depressed guy. This movie kind of gives you a glimpse of what probably goes on in his mind when his kids are making him watch reruns of The Voice.

Synopsis: Toddler dies. Mom loses her shit.

This movie featured a lot of hidden messages, talking animals, and other bizarre sequences that I’m sure many people encounter before they start traveling the country, blowing up mailboxes.

Also: This film had a scene that I found so over-the-top that I screamed at the TV, “Are you kidding me!” It would have been even crazier if the TV answered me. After all, chaos reigns.

Cannibal Holocaust

No, it’s not a metal band (yet). Wait, it probably is.

Synopsis: A group of young documentarians venture out into the rainforest in search of cannibal tribes. Surprise! Things don’t end well.

Why It Exists: Aside from some interesting commentary on sensationalism, this movie is notorious for almost landing its director in prison for the assumed murder of its actors on snuff film charges - it’s just that realistic! It’s also pretty infamous for its animal murders. (In a particularly harrowing scene, a giant tortoise is split open and its limbs are chopped off, which is easily the grossest thing I’ve probably ever seen on film since that scene from the movie Precious where the fat girl eats mac and cheese with pigs feet.) It also has a decidedly sunshine poppy, long-hair-and-blond-mustaches theme song that you should definitely give a listen.

Fun Fact: I took my roommates to see this in an actual movie theater when it played in Hollywood on Halloween night. Awesome reactions on both of their faces throughout.

A Serbian Film

Synopsis: A male porn star is offered an obscene amount of money if he’ll make just one last film… mwahaha!

Just Skip This One. Seriously. It’s not worth watching and I almost didn’t even mention it because I skipped through certain scenes. What I saw was more than enough. It’s based on nothing, it’s pointless, and it basically just sees how far it can take things before the whole thing implodes in on itself. If you must, I think some guy uploaded some of it onto YouTube (clearly, nobody is paying attention over there) but take it from me: it’s just horrendous and ugly. Barforama.

Is this where David Bowie got the inspiration for his new album cover?

I Review 10,000 Days by Tool

I know I’m late to the party and everything but I just have to say that this album has blown me away. I can’t sum up my feelings in one paragraph so here’s my track-by-track review:

Vicarious - From the killer harmonica solo on the album opener, Vicarious, I knew I was hooked. The way these Tool guys play that thing rivals Blues Traveler! It was like the Roseanne theme song but amplified like a hundred times.

Jambi – The story behind this one is absolutely priceless: without ruining anything, basically Bambi finds out he has a twin brother named Jambi. Jambi is a lot like Bambi (also an orphan) but has dreadlocks and listens to reggae. Pretty hilarious, guys.

Wings For Marie (Part 1) – Apparently this song was inspired by some fat chick named Marie who was the band’s tour manager. She always ordered hot wings from Dominos and the band members would take turns picking up her orders.

10,000 Days (Wings Part 2) – I love this title track! My favorite lyric from it is the epic lyric, “I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit in my ti-eeme, I’ve been a-lie-eve for ten thousand days.” I feel like that too even though I’m only fifteen.

The Pot – Almost as good as “The Pan.”

Lipan Conjuring - I read an interview where the lead guy said this was supposed to be the unofficial sequel to “Tubthumper” by Chumbawumba.

Lost Keys (Blame Hofman) – This is one of those funny songs about misplacing your keys.

Rosetta Stoned – The highbrow humor these guys have hidden from their fans for years and years is finally on display in all its glory.

Intension – At this point, the band is clearly on a roll with the wordplay. Too awesome!

Right In Two – The liner notes say that the drummer wanted to call this one “Wrong In Two” but he was outvoted and then sexually abused by everyone in the band.

Viginti Tres – I think the guys were trying to find an artsy way to spell out “Vintage Trees.” Success! You guys are artists!

All in all, great album. In no way do I want my twenty bucks back.

Rules For How My Next Band Will Operate

1. Buy all instruments at Wal-Mart

2. Refuse to play out of a P.A., even if venue provides one

3. Open every show with screaming and double-fisted tambourine shaking

4. Make up lyrics on the spot

5. Every song will be named after a popular fast food restaurant

6. Close the set by making fun of disabled people

7. Throw microphones at the audience

   

Vantastic

Angst

A full-color version of my Riff Raff portrait.

RiFF RAFF - A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Baller.

By me.