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REVIEW - T & The Wonder: ‘Corsage' single, 2012 (“a withering bouquet of sympathy”)

Tue, 14 May 2013 22:35:54 -0700

REVIEW - T & The Wonder: ‘Corsage' single, 2012 (“a withering bouquet of sympathy”):

“There are no constants, / even if we want them.” Perhaps it’s the shift of moving around, splitting apart. Chicago chamber pop duo T & The Wonder are Chicago-based no longer. Now based on sepa…

An incredibly thoughtful review of my Corsage single from last year.

https://soundcloud.com/sluglordsavior/slugs-will-tear-us-apart

Sun, 05 May 2013 22:08:00 -0700

https://soundcloud.com/sluglordsavior/slugs-will-tear-us-apart

The Five Most Disturbing Movies I've Ever Seen!

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 20:05:00 -0700

I’ve seen a good amount of garbage-y movies at this point and I thought it might be fun to run through the nastiest ones I can remember seeing and tell you what I can remember about them. This isn’t really a list of recommendations so much as a reminder to myself not to revisit these beauties any time soon.

Salo, Or 120 Days of Sodom

If the title alone doesn’t sell you on it, please read on…

Synopsis: Four pedophiles kidnap around twenty kids and subject them to months of torture, leading to their deaths. (I could have given you a spoiler alert, but then again this movie was based on a story written in 1785 by the King of Perversion, Marquis de Sade, so you’ve had quite a bit of time to read up on it. Do you live under a rock or something?)

Why Is It Loved?: Pasolini is worshipped in a lot of film circles for how his work was groundbreaking, but if all you needed to do to become an art house legend in the 1970’s was film some naked people eating human feces, wouldn’t that make a legend out of anyone who has ever directed a McDonald’s commercial? Pasolini also liked filming naked dudes and their pasty butt cheeks, which is different from every other Italian director how? Luckily, Criterion picked it up and gave it a slick remastering, so now everything that happens in the movie is even harder to stomach. So it’s clearly loved by audiences, even if it’s not my cup of poo.

The Girl Next Door

If you want to feel like a scumbag, watch this movie. No, it’s not the The Girl Next Door with the wacky teen comedy story about the desperate virgin who takes the porn star to prom. Yes, it’s “based on a true story” but then again, someone could make a movie about me getting into a fistfight with Jared from Subway and say it was based on a true story because it was based on me eating their Spicy Italian sandwich. Any creative liberties that were taken with this story only make it more exploitative. Hell, turning what ACTUALLY happened in this true crime case into a movie is already morally dubious enough.

Synopsis: Girl is strung up in a basement and tortured to death by her sadistic aunt and a group of kids from the neighborhood in the otherwise pleasant 1950’s.

What’s The Appeal?: It definitely has a car wreck type of thing going on. It’s also the ultimate things-weren’t-what-they-seemed-in-the-1950’s reality slap. You thought women being mistreated on Mad Men was insane? Make no mistake, this movie was a Revolutionary Roadhouse kick in the balls (literary reference and balls in the same sentence, thank you).

Antichrist

Lars Von Trier is a pretty depressed guy. This movie kind of gives you a glimpse of what probably goes on in his mind when his kids are making him watch reruns of The Voice.

Synopsis: Toddler dies. Mom loses her shit.

This movie featured a lot of hidden messages, talking animals, and other bizarre sequences that I’m sure many people encounter before they start traveling the country, blowing up mailboxes.

Also: This film had a scene that I found so over-the-top that I screamed at the TV, “Are you kidding me!” It would have been even crazier if the TV answered me. After all, chaos reigns.

Cannibal Holocaust

No, it’s not a metal band (yet). Wait, it probably is.

Synopsis: A group of young documentarians venture out into the rainforest in search of cannibal tribes. Surprise! Things don’t end well.

Why It Exists: Aside from some interesting commentary on sensationalism, this movie is notorious for almost landing its director in prison for the assumed murder of its actors on snuff film charges - it’s just that realistic! It’s also pretty infamous for its animal murders. (In a particularly harrowing scene, a giant tortoise is split open and its limbs are chopped off, which is easily the grossest thing I’ve probably ever seen on film since that scene from the movie Precious where the fat girl eats mac and cheese with pigs feet.) It also has a decidedly sunshine poppy, long-hair-and-blond-mustaches theme song that you should definitely give a listen.

Fun Fact: I took my roommates to see this in an actual movie theater when it played in Hollywood on Halloween night. Awesome reactions on both of their faces throughout.

A Serbian Film

Synopsis: A male porn star is offered an obscene amount of money if he’ll make just one last film… mwahaha!

Just Skip This One. Seriously. It’s not worth watching and I almost didn’t even mention it because I skipped through certain scenes. What I saw was more than enough. It’s based on nothing, it’s pointless, and it basically just sees how far it can take things before the whole thing implodes in on itself. If you must, I think some guy uploaded some of it onto YouTube (clearly, nobody is paying attention over there) but take it from me: it’s just horrendous and ugly. Barforama.

Is this where David Bowie got the inspiration for his new album...

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 16:12:00 -0800

Is this where David Bowie got the inspiration for his new album cover?

I Review 10,000 Days by Tool

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 00:27:00 -0800

I know I’m late to the party and everything but I just have to say that this album has blown me away. I can’t sum up my feelings in one paragraph so here’s my track-by-track review:

Vicarious - From the killer harmonica solo on the album opener, Vicarious, I knew I was hooked. The way these Tool guys play that thing rivals Blues Traveler! It was like the Roseanne theme song but amplified like a hundred times.

Jambi – The story behind this one is absolutely priceless: without ruining anything, basically Bambi finds out he has a twin brother named Jambi. Jambi is a lot like Bambi (also an orphan) but has dreadlocks and listens to reggae. Pretty hilarious, guys.

Wings For Marie (Part 1) – Apparently this song was inspired by some fat chick named Marie who was the band’s tour manager. She always ordered hot wings from Dominos and the band members would take turns picking up her orders.

10,000 Days (Wings Part 2) – I love this title track! My favorite lyric from it is the epic lyric, “I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit in my ti-eeme, I’ve been a-lie-eve for ten thousand days.” I feel like that too even though I’m only fifteen.

The Pot – Almost as good as “The Pan.”

Lipan Conjuring - I read an interview where the lead guy said this was supposed to be the unofficial sequel to “Tubthumper” by Chumbawumba.

Lost Keys (Blame Hofman) – This is one of those funny songs about misplacing your keys.

Rosetta Stoned – The highbrow humor these guys have hidden from their fans for years and years is finally on display in all its glory.

Intension – At this point, the band is clearly on a roll with the wordplay. Too awesome!

Right In Two – The liner notes say that the drummer wanted to call this one “Wrong In Two” but he was outvoted and then sexually abused by everyone in the band.

Viginti Tres – I think the guys were trying to find an artsy way to spell out “Vintage Trees.” Success! You guys are artists!

All in all, great album. In no way do I want my twenty bucks back.

Rules For How My Next Band Will Operate

Mon, 12 Nov 2012 19:36:00 -0800

Buy all instruments at Wal-Mart
Refuse to play out of a P.A., even if venue provides one
Open every show with screaming and double-fisted tambourine shaking
Make up lyrics on the spot
Every song will be named after a popular fast food restaurant
Close the set by making fun of disabled people
Throw microphones at the audience

Vantastic

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 18:15:00 -0700

Vantastic

Angst

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 16:31:00 -0700

Angst

A full-color version of my Riff Raff portrait.

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 18:32:23 -0700

A full-color version of my Riff Raff portrait.

RiFF RAFF - A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Baller. By me.

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 16:34:00 -0700

RiFF RAFF - A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Baller.

By me.

A Few Facts About “Holmies” and This Thing Called the Internet

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 18:20:00 -0700

A “Holmie” is a social outcast who worships James Holmes on tumblr.

The people referring to themselves as “Holmies” and creating these fan blogs are bored dorks. They made these pages in a desperate attempt to get a rise out of people. Unfortunately, it seems to be working.

Some of these people are brainwashed conspiracy theorists who believe Holmes had assistance at the scene of the crime. These are the same people who look up at the sky after a jet goes by and scream about chemtrails and the government trying to poison us all.

James Holmes, like everything else on the internet, is just turning into a meme. This wave of fan pages is just the birth of that meme.

Serial killer worship, whether sarcastic or sincere, has been around forever.

Jokes made in light of recent tragedy have also been around forever.

Has the internet ever treated any news story with respect? Nope!

Yes, “Holmies” are insensitive and pathetic but most of all, they’re fifteen year-old kids slurping Monster energy drinks and managers at your local McDonald’s (so their opinions don’t really matter).

A bunch of them will probably “like” this post.

Why I Absolutely Despise Modern Rap Music

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 14:59:00 -0700

*Disclaimer: This post pertains to rap music heard on the radio. I’m well aware that there are many innovative independent rappers who actually care about making art.

With a blog post like this, I probably sound like someone’s cranky grandfather, angry and confused at the state of the world. I understand that every generation introduces a new genre of music that the generation before it will never grasp… but here’s the problem: rap music IS my generation’s music! It’s the stuff I’m supposed to like and support! And God damn it, if Kanye West is the voice of my generation, my generation is apparently a bunch of egotistical retards who think they’re better than The Beatles (maybe he’s perfect?). No, I’m not slamming the genre on the basis of its glorification of violence or abuse towards women or blah blah blah… please. There are so many other reasons to beat this dying genre with a shovel and force it back into the dark abyss from which it came.

It’s boring – Once you hear the beat repeat itself a couple of times, you basically have the gist of the whole song. Most rappers pride themselves on their “hook,” a.k.a. the catchy part of the song (usually the most obnoxious part of the song that gets drilled into your head and repeats itself a hundred times as you lie in your bed, trying to fall asleep later that night), but even with the hook, rap has no melody. Sometimes RnB singers are brought in to try to make the project more musical but rappers are more inclined to take a two-second sample from a 70’s song and loop it a thousand times.

It’s unintelligent – Yes, people have different life experiences and some, unfortunately, receive less than the recommended level of education required to enter civilized society. These are the people we now glorify, people with the reading and comprehension level of a second grader. Yes, an intelligent rapper manages to slip through the cracks and appeal to the mainstream every once in a while, but this is extremely rare. Smart rappers account for less than 1% of the entire rapper population. I probably just sounded like a guy wearing a monocle sitting aboard the Titanic, but the point stands.

I can’t relate – I like listening to music that speaks to me lyrically. When all of the lyrics are about grinding on hos at a club or spraying champagne on a topless dancer, I instinctively zone out because I’m a white guy who went to art school.

Anyone can make it – Therefore, it involves no talent. Remember when people used to learn how to play instruments? It took a few years of hard work and sometimes private lessons. Today, many rappers are incapable of even creating their own beats; that’s where the producer comes in (and sometimes that producer will just steal the beat from a program). All the rapper needs to do is talk rhythmically, and if he/she is incapable of that, something is seriously wrong.

It’s all about cars, money, bitches, etc. - Most of early hip-hop music was borne out of poverty and conflict which is why it was interesting. Today’s rap music and it’s all about excess. Why? Well, because rappers today decide it’s better to fake it til you make it, rapping about gold chains and sports cars they don’t even own (until the day they get put on the radio, get that money, and decide that it’s finally time to own these things). Why y’all so materialistic?

It’s the most minimalistic form of music yet – I might get flak for this point but hear me out. Through the ages, music has been getting more and more simplistic. Hundreds of years ago, people listened to classical, with its large, lush orchestras. Early 1900’s, it was all about piano music and big band. Then folk music came along – simple chords played on acoustic guitars. Even simpler, rock music introduced power chords to the world, allowing bands to play only two strings on their guitars. Eventually, hip-hop appeared, which was interesting and abrasive… at first. Now it limps on, doing the same trick every time, the ultimate one-trick-pony genre. Rap music has become the Adam Sandler of music genres.

Completely homogenized in every way imaginable (lyrically, tonally, vocally, musically), rap music has hit the wall. There have even been recent scientific studies conducted just to show, aurally, how dull radio pop has become (of which rap music accounts for a large percentage). Some people will argue, “Rappers have different ways of rapping! This guy’s voice sounds different than this other guy’s voice!” How different? They both slur their words, use mostly slang, and continue to rap with the same exact dialect. If anything, it sounds more like variations on the same motif. And guys, seriously, do you want to turn on the “classics” radio station when you’re 50 years old and hear 50 Cent talking about his dick?

I think it’s safe to close the book on this one, guys. I know, it’s hard to let go. We have those nostalgic reasons to hold on to hip-hop. But like the blues (or maybe even disco), it has run its course. More accurately, it has run into the ground. Everything has been said in every way possible and by every criminal available. But don’t worry. Just up there on the horizon lies an even simpler genre of music that requires even less from the audience… DUBSTEP! Skrillex, take me home!

Is it just me or are Lena Dunham and Stephin Merritt twins?

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 22:55:00 -0700

Is it just me or are Lena Dunham and Stephin Merritt twins?

The Drawbacks of Seeing Live Music

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 02:48:00 -0700

Wristbands – Do these ever not pull all of the hair off of your arm? Every time you try and adjust the thing, it turns into a small-scale torture session reminiscent of Marathon Man. They’re either too tight or too loose, sliding all around your arm, grabbing hair for leverage. It’s enough to make you wince in pain but it’s wiser to stifle your displeased facial expression; you don’t want to look like a huge pussy.

Permanent Marker X’s – The only thing worse than the 21+ wristband is the dreaded permanent marker X that the baldest bouncer at the venue will likely draw across your hand with the skill of an illiterate farmer at a Jim Crow-era voting booth. Not only does this smelly, possibly toxic mark mean that you can’t drink, but it also makes you look like a straight-edge douche nozzle. Not only do you get to leave the concert looking like a PETA huckster, but if you’re lucky, you can even fall asleep on your arm and wake up in the morning with a big X on your face (and/or pillow).

Tall People – It always seems like I have a perfect view of the stage for all of the shitty opening bands, then the very minute the main event begins, all of these awkward tall people come out of the woodwork and stand right in front of me. There should be a rule that if you’re over six feet, you aren’t allowed in the first five rows. Shorties everywhere would be grateful. And no, I’m not Danny DeVito; I don’t consider everyone tall.

Fat People – Even worse than the tall people are the fat people. Fat people take up the same amount of space as multiple regular-sized people, except they’re even worse because they tend to sweat profusely. The sweating is usually unprovoked. It’s not as if these people just ran a marathon and decided to celebrate with a little entertainment. No, standing in place is enough exercise to get the salty droplets dripping. If only that were the worst of it… Oh yeah, and they stink.

PDA couples – If you plan on making out with each other for the whole show, without even so much as glancing up at the band once, why not just stay at home and fuck to the record and leave the rest of us out of it?

Nine Dollar Beer – What more can be said?

That Smelly Area – I don’t know why, but there’s always that one spot in the audience that smells like pure unadulterated shit. Picture the scariest train ride you’ve ever taken at night in a big city by yourself. Now, picture the smelliest hobo on that train. Multiply that stank by a hundred, cover it with shit, and set it on fire. Finally, expect to breathe that in as you pretend to enjoy yourself while desperately trying to locate the source.

Screamers – Not the people who cheer the band, but the people who scream at each other throughout the show. Are they bored? Is the band not up to their standards? Are they completely oblivious to the world around them? Regardless, they should learn sign language.

When Someone Keeps Bumping Up Against Your Butt And You Finally Turn Around To Discover Some Gross Hippie Guy Who Is Way Too Into The Music – It’s music; not a religion, dude. And even if it was, my butt is not your bible.

Indie Symbolism

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 22:24:20 -0700

Indie music today is mostly about image. It doesn’t really matter how talented you are as a musician; if your album cover is dull and you look like a normal dude, your band is moot. While this reality pisses me off, it also makes sense. People don’t idolize musicians who look like their moms dress them each morning; they idolize musicians who look like they could be extras in The Warriors, or musicians who would be burned alive for being witches in the 1600’s. The only bands today that even attempt to ride the long-lost-innocence vibes of yesteryear are doing it for irony’s sake.

With that said, these image-conscious indie bands drag a good deal of batshit symbolism into their art. Here are a few symbols that I take issue with…

Upside-down Crosses

The upside-down cross seems to be on album covers, t-shirts, necklaces, etc, and when you really get down to it, this is a very disingenuous gesture for a band to be making. Did all of these bands grow up in Amish families where you dare not take the Lord’s name in vain, lest you be punished severely with Pa’s whipping belt? I’d like to say I doubt it, but the way these bands wear this image smacks of pre-teen rebellion against parental-imposed religion. It also reminds me of Slayer and all of their desperate attempts to be badasses. The only person on earth offended by an upside-down cross is the 80 year-old woman at the grocery store who is already convinced that the whole world is going to Hell in a handbasket because of that noisy rock ‘n’ roll. Nobody else.

Triangles

Don’t get me wrong; I like shapes as much as the next guy, but not as much as a lot of indie bands out there who are apparently trying to appeal to toddlers with their album art. I remember putting different basic shapes through their corresponding holes in my clunky Fischer Price play structure when I was three; good times. It was tricky though because the cylinder would NEVER fit in the square hole. Those bastards at the toy company knew thousands of retarded little kids would struggle with that one for a while.

Exclamation Points

No statement is quite loud enough unless it’s yelled at your reader. How could we be expected to respond to subtlety in The Age of the Kardashian? It’s even more loud if the band puts the exclamation point in an odd place; this effect attracts people to your musical wares like moths to a blue light, much like a Big!Lots sign in a poor neighborhood. Some bands even choose to move their exclamation point mid-career in order to give their name a poorly-translated-from-Japanese feel, a la Godspeed You! Black Emperor. Then other bands take a completely unique route, deciding that there’s nothing louder than punctuation standing alone (!!!). Now, how the fuck we’re supposed to pronounce a band name consisting of three exclamation points is really anyone’s guess. Anyone who cares to guess, that is.

There are plenty of other symbols that have been used a lot as of late, such as X’s and anchors (hey, that could be an indie band’s album title!) but it’s probably not worth analyzing any further.

Visiting the house from The Wonder Years

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 00:43:00 -0700

Visiting the house from The Wonder Years

I have decided that it would be a fun and interesting experiment...

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 15:15:00 -0700

I have decided that it would be a fun and interesting experiment to try writing a novella. In the last few years, I’ve read a lot of novels and it got me thinking, hey, I should try that. I also attended a few writing classes in college that got me thinking, yeah, yeah let’s try that… So here it goes; I’m trying that. Oh, and this is just a picture of a cool car that parked near me when I was reading a book in Old Towne Orange.

This just about sums it up…

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 22:03:00 -0700

This just about sums it up…

Shows I Just Started Watching

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 23:00:00 -0800

Ever since moving to California, I’ve lived a somewhat solitary life. Most of my west coast friends live in L.A. and while I am close to the city, there are many days where I find that it’s much easier to flip on the T.V. and see what’s on (not much worth watching, by the way). It took a few months, but I was naturally drawn to a few shows and for vastly different reasons, as you’ll see below…

The Forgotten Classic - The Wonder Years

I was too young to watch this show when it first aired because it premiered the year I was born, but I did catch it the second time around when it found its way into the syndicated lineup of Nick at Nite in the late 90’s. Being the same age as Kevin, Paul and Winnie, I found it pretty relatable at the time. It eventually disappeared from the lineup and I hardly noticed. Fast forward to late 2011, The Wonder Years makes its return via Netflix. Apparently, this show will never be released on DVD/Blu Ray because every episode featured at least three Motown hits and in order to pay these bands their royalties, the production company would have to own a Swiss bank full of Nazi gold. For this reason, some soundtrack changes were made. For instance, the classic theme song, a Beatles cover sung by Joe Cocker has been taken out and replaced with a weak version from some godawful muzak band. Despite these minor setbacks, the show is much better than I remembered. Now that I’m older, I can appreciate the subtle nuances I once was unable to pick up on, due to lack of life experience. My age also allows me to appreciate the writing on a much deeper level. The stories are funny, poignant, and most importantly, timeless. For a show set in the 60’s, it’s amazing how much of it translates today. It’s also amazing how many familiar faces pop up throughout the series (David Schwimmer? Giovanni Ribisi? Alicia Silverstone?). It might even make you nostalgic for the simple times of a decade you never experienced. Out of all of the shows mentioned in this post, I highly recommend you revisit this one.

The Show I Misjudged - Roseanne

This show started airing the very same year as The Wonder Years and when I was very young, it used to play in my house; the cheesy harmonica and spinning dinner table family introduction are eerily nostalgic to me. Yet, I always assumed the show sucked. Roseanne, after all, has a shrill, obnoxious voice that makes me cringe out of instinct. Add that to the premise: a blue collar family “just trying to get by” and you have yourself an unbearably depressing show. I hate the glorification of white trash (Blue Collar Comedy Show, etc.) and every pickup truck with a Git-R-Done sticker deserves to go up in flames, as far as I’m concerned. I wrongly attributed these attributes to Roseanne. Roseanne is actually extremely progressive and against the right-wing ignorance that keeps Fox News and Co. in business, and more importantly, cleverer than it has any right to be. For a show that deals with desperate people between a rock and a hard place, it remains amiable and upbeat (even if it has no right to be). Roseanne’s voice is almost as annoying as Fran Drescher’s, but Roseanne is actually pretty funny so it makes the whole experience more tolerable. The show is, however, more sarcastic than a hundred David Spades so if you aren’t a fan of cynical humor, look elsewhere.

The Guilty Pleasure - Restaurant: Impossible

Food Network as a whole is practically guilty pleasure programming. Unless you’re a chef, there’s very little to be learned and you see Guy Fieri way more than anyone should have to see him in real life. Restaurant: Impossible, with its impossibly lame title, is pure fun. The premise: a buff british cook visits failing restaurants and makes gagging sounds as he samples their horrendous menus, then goes into a long-winded rant on why the restaurant sucks, criticizing the manager to his/her face. Shortly after, the soft acoustic guitars are cued up and the cook softly explains that he’s only doing this to help. After that, the restaurant transforms in every way – the building gets a makeover (and in every episode, they almost don’t finish renovations in time!), the menu is altered, the management style is tweaked – and it all comes together in the end in a predictable emotional payoff, laden with hugs and tears. Chef Robert gives these guys the tools they need to keep their awful restaurants afloat; those who take his advice succeed, those who don’t fail miserably. Whatever the fate, we discover the outcome in the end.

The Show That Sucks But I Continue to Watch - Storage Wars

This show is mostly terrible, exploiting some of the biggest idiots out there as they go about their daily routines, picking over the forgotten scraps of abandoned storage lockers. The only character with any intelligence whatsoever is Barry, a retired guy who is already very rich (this show is clearly just a fun hobby of his), which makes him come off less desperate. The rest of the crew? Well, fighting over lockers is how they put food on the table. It almost seems wrong, watching them dig through black garbage bags full of dirty underwear, hoping to find that coveted rare coin collection that makes it so they never have to be on a shitty reality show ever again. Unfortunately, early retirement is a pipe dream for these guys and until then, we’ll have to watch as bedbug-ridden mattresses continue to tumble down on them as they crawl on their hands and knees, closely inspecting worthless garbage. The only thing more pathetic than this show is the recent spinoff, “Storage Wars: Texas” where the only difference is that everyone is much, much fatter.

Honorable Mentions:

- The Best Show With a Theme Song by Ween: Grounded for Life

- The Funniest Racial Commentary: Everybody Hates Chris

- The Show With The Most Fat Guys: Pawn Stars

- The Pretentious Asshole Extravaganza: Chopped

- The Most Self-Congratulating Show on Television: Rock Center with Brian Williams

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:58:00 -0800